every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
