I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
