Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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