Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
