3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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