i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
