I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
