Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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