I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
