maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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