OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
