it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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