You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The cops high fived after they tackled you
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
