The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
