A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
