when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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