sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
