So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
