My hand turned me down
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
