Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
