The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We are two peas in an std pod
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
