You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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