I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
