...so i touched it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
