Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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