I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
