Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
