Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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