Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish they made helmets for livers.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
