so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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