i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
