Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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