smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
