the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
