I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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