cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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