new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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