If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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