There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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