Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
