this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
