just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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