So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
