I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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