I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
