My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
