Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
