and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
