I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
