Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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