so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
